The Daveparted, Starring Chomanardo DaveCaprio

It's here! In less than 10 hours I will be in the air, heading first to Dallas and then on to Madrid. Um...WHAT?! Madrid is cool, but DALLAS?! There used to be a show called, "Dallas." That's how cool Dallas is! I mean, New York might have a song, Chicago might have a musical, and Cleveland might have a Steamer, but none of them have had a 13-season running daytime television series! I'll be on a layover there for 4 hours. I highly anticipate it will be the best 4-hour-layover in the history of me. I expect to hear more "yee-haws" and "varmints" than I am emotionally and spiritually prepared to hear. But, that's part of growing up! And if hearing more "yee-haws" and "varmints" than one is prepared to hear isn't a part of growing up, well, I must just not be getting the point.

Anyway, after amazing Dallas, I get to go to angry Madrid. Big whoop! At least I'll always have Dallas. No, we'll always have Dallas. And the Dallas layover will be perfect training to handle a Separatist Riot/Hostage Crisis in Madrid, since Dallas is still so very much like the old west days, what with all the gunslingin', spittoon-clinkin', high-noon-showdownsin', and George W. Bush-supportin'. If I can survive being in Texas for even just 4 hours, then I can survive anything. I mean it, anything. To give you a point of reference, Chuck Norris was Walker, TEXAS Ranger. If Texas birthed a modern-day titan like Mr. Chuck Norris, then I don't want to mess with it, as the saying goes.

Patriot. Defined.

I packed the very same shirt for my trip! I also had hair plugs put in to simulate his majestic chest of masculine dominance. It's worth it. Europe will know that I mean business when I walk around with that chest glistening under that shirt. They'll say, "Blah, blah, foreign accent, blah, American, yada, yada, business." Then they'll cower. They always cower.

So, I'm going to keep this one short, for once. I'm exhausted and I have a lot of sleeping on planes to do tomorrow, so I'll need my rest for that endeavor. Don't you worry, though! I have a list of probable passengers that I will have to deal with during this adventure:

• A 46-year-old man in a striped polo with a mickey mouse logo and khaki way-too-shorts, that insists we become best friends
• A 32-year-old woman that decides it's time to conquer her fear of flying with a 20+ hour flight. She fails within 30 minutes.
• Two children, 11 and 9, filled with pre-adolescent animosity, who break a record for the longest fight about which Jonas Brother is cutest. Previous record? 13 hours, held by Tera and Cassidy Wilkers of Lake Byron, Minnesota
• A 58-year old man who holds himself to be an expert on traveling as an American in Europe. He has google'd and wiki'd and this is his first trip
• A 92-year-old dude that decides a trans-Atlantic flight, next to the future Tony Little, is an ideal way to kick the bucket

Crazy. Defined.

• Or, Tony Little, himself...smelling like ground beef and wet wipes

I will do my best to keep everyone updated. It will primarily be via Facebook and Twitter(AlphaChomega). Don't worry, I'll be safe, smart, and still have a fun, wonderful adventure! I'll miss you, I mean it.

Good bye, au revoir, adios, auf wiedersehen, arrivederci, zbogom, servus,

Dave

Next post...well, we'll just have to see