One If By Land, Two If By Dave

First of all, it should be noted, I was going to apologize for my lack of posting anything while I was adventuring across the uncharted, uninhabitable lands of Europe. But, I'm just not going to do that because I simply couldn't. Europe doesn't have the internets. Al Gore hasn't invented it with European patents, yet. So, it was nearly impossible to post anything. Okay, okay, I'm still sorry. Sorry you didn't get to have more of me. Don't you fret a bit, though, my lovelies. I'm back and you will have your fill. Then, you'll want to vomit as you had too much, a veritable Davethanksgiving. Then, you'll take a nap while watching football (do I mean soccer?) and wake up and do it all over again. God bless Chomerica!

Anyway, it's time to share as much about my trip as I possibly can share. It was so unbelievably incredible! Everything! When it was good, it was great! When it was mediocre, it was fantastic! And when it was bad, it was French! Truly, the trip was a life-changer, an eye-opener, and a dream-fulfiller. I was all-at-once humbled, excited, proud, inspired, captivated, educated, and changed. 22 days held within it an entire lifetime of experience. I'm going to do my best to have you follow along in my footsteps (they're size 12, so you should be able to fit) across a great majority of Europe. It will be an exciting, yet difficult, adventure as I seek to unravel and explain what occurred. I have a great deal of work ahead of me, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, geometrically, economically, picadilly, realistically, irrevocably, and mashedpotatoesically.

I traveled by plane, by train, by taxi, and foot. I put more miles under my feet than some people do in a lifetime. To show for it, I have blisters and aches and worn-out shoes, experiences and friends and memories, lessons and goals and unconquerable joy. I ruined a duffel bag, a pair of jeans, a belt, two shirts, and one of my bank accounts. I ate foods that ignited new senses, danced like I did before I hit puberty, met amazing people from all over, fell in love with Italy, and challenged members of the Swiss army to arm-wrestling matches. I learned that I need to be fluent in more languages, that I am more capable than I ever believed, that laughs and joys and fears are universal, that America has a lot more responsibility than we like to admit, that good wine is a food group and should be a part of every meal, that beer can be for breakfast, that the clothes on your back and in your pack are all you really need, that beer pong is an international sport, and, most importantly, I learned that I haven't even started yet.

I want you...to make a diamond rack

There is so much to this world. It is as small as it is ginormous. Human beings all share it. The words are all, in some way, the same. Our actions ripple. Our lives don't stop at the ends of our fingertips.

Whooo! I need a nap now. Okay, I know what will help. A list! So, here's a brief list of some interesting facts:

• I was on a nine-hour flight to Madrid to begin the trip
• I had an eight-hour flight from London to end the trip
• Iceland has volcanoes! And best yet, they erupt, spewing ash into the air and sending an entire continent into disarray, halting transportation, generating chaos and riots, and forcing American travelers to have to stay up 36 hours straight in an effort to get to France – no worries, very much well worth it because of Milan!
• It officially only rained 2 days of my entire trip
• I didn't bring a coat and I needed one only occasionally
• The French like to go on strike every other day, with exception to holidays, then they put real effort in and strike twice as hard
• The cheapest meal I had was the equivalent to $12 and I was starving afterward
• I had the most bromantic man-date of my life in Paris with Rick
• Ace Of Base is really popular in the Czech Republic...
• Eye contact is very important
• No other countries work out – seriously, Rick and I were the biggest people in the entire country everywhere we went – we're body-conscious so we know how to spot them and we didn't see another dude that looked like he threw iron around until we were in London, and he was an American
• Also, I'm very full of myself

That feels much better. I have some interesting statistics to share with you, too.

For one, I lost 13 pounds in 22 days. Yikes! Don't worry, I ate, just not as often as at home. One can't really grab a meal every two and half hours when you are on four-hour tours. Also, I walked EVERYWHERE! Don't get me wrong, I loved it. Really loved it. When I got back into my car at home, it felt foreign and, I don't know, gross. I know I have the power to move myself with two legs and I just want to keep doing it. I envy living in a city where you don't have to drive everywhere and where there are bike paths set up throughout the entire affair. We can learn something. We need to learn something.

Okay, for the second stat, I spent over … A LOT of money in total, for the entire trip. I won't share that exact number, for two main reasons. Reason A) My brothers would worry. Reason B) My friends would ask me for money if they knew what I could afford. If you really want to know because you're trying to plan for yourself, then I'll share bits and pieces. Total accommodations cost, as in hostels and hotels, was around $700, but Rick had some free hotel stays with his job. That number should be higher. Hostels are amazing, so I definitely recommend them. All transportation, including flights, trains (with the Eurail Pass at $600), taxis, and public transportation like buses and subways (which were amazing and safe, for the most part, and totally unlike what we have – more lessons), came out to be pretty close to $1900, give or take (note: I didn't have to pay for my flights to and from the US, because they were a gift, but I did want to include their ballpark price). I mostly did free tours, which only cost you as much as you would like to tip AND PLEASE DO TIP but there were some tours and sites that did have some monetary cost, including pub crawls. The ballpark on those events is around $300. Food and nightlife are the most expensive aspects, next to transportation. I haven't quite figured this part out yet and it will vary for everybody. I will say this, though. I was at one of the hottest clubs in all of Milan, called Hollywood, where the drinks cost 10 Euro each. That's almost $13. So...wrap your head around that. My guess is that food and drink cost me around $1200. Truly, in almost every case, it was worth it. The food was phenomenal! The bugger is that they include service in their prices and charge extra for water, condiments, bread, smiles, silverware, tables, napkins, chairs, and plates. I think they need to learn something from America. Portions weren't small, like most Texans say when they visit. They were perfect. Just enough to be fed but not full. Souvenirs cost me as well, but, that's none of your business! Here's the deal, though. I was learning a lot, so I made mistakes. I know several ways I could have saved some money here and there. I plan on providing tips either throughout the blog posts or as a wrap-up when this endeavor is complete. I shouldn't scare you with these numbers. I had a lot of fun and I realized that it is worth it. Really, truly, worth it.

Aw, shucks! No money left for roofies!

I packed about 24 shirts/sweaters/button-ups/polos, 3 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of shoes, necessary socks and unders, and 2 belts. It was the perfect amount. I never once needed khakis or shorts. That's different if you travel in the summer. I only did laundry once, about halfway through. That was mostly for the socks and unders, anyway. I wasn't really weighed down until I started collecting souvenirs. Definitely bring an extra duffel for just that reason, or plan to ship them home.

I took over 1500 pictures. I have loaded all of it up on the computer and I'm ready to share.

I brought four translation/phrase books – Spanish, German, Italian, and French. I used them very often, but I highly recommend investment in Rosetta Stone language software or classes in an effort to learn the languages. I have a fairly strong base in Spanish, and weaker bases in German and French, and it can be frustrating. Don't be so proud and foolish to think everybody speaks English. They try, therefore we should try.

Credit cards aren't the first form of currency typically accepted, as they are here. This is especially true in hole-in-the-wall-but-delicious-foods restaurants. Most retail establishments accept cards readily. I was foolish to bring so little cash and then, even after learning otherwise, pulling out so little cash time after time. ATM charges are expensive, so are exchange rate charges at money transfers. It's just a necessary cost. Don't bring wads of cash, but also don't bring too little. I'd say $500 per week is safe.

Erm, I think that's about it for now. I apologize if my typical, keeps-you-rolling-for-hours, witty humor is lacking a bit from this post. Trust me, I didn't lose it at customs. More to come. Much, much more.

Next post? The Chomconquista: I Begin In Spain

The Daveparted, Starring Chomanardo DaveCaprio

It's here! In less than 10 hours I will be in the air, heading first to Dallas and then on to Madrid. Um...WHAT?! Madrid is cool, but DALLAS?! There used to be a show called, "Dallas." That's how cool Dallas is! I mean, New York might have a song, Chicago might have a musical, and Cleveland might have a Steamer, but none of them have had a 13-season running daytime television series! I'll be on a layover there for 4 hours. I highly anticipate it will be the best 4-hour-layover in the history of me. I expect to hear more "yee-haws" and "varmints" than I am emotionally and spiritually prepared to hear. But, that's part of growing up! And if hearing more "yee-haws" and "varmints" than one is prepared to hear isn't a part of growing up, well, I must just not be getting the point.

Anyway, after amazing Dallas, I get to go to angry Madrid. Big whoop! At least I'll always have Dallas. No, we'll always have Dallas. And the Dallas layover will be perfect training to handle a Separatist Riot/Hostage Crisis in Madrid, since Dallas is still so very much like the old west days, what with all the gunslingin', spittoon-clinkin', high-noon-showdownsin', and George W. Bush-supportin'. If I can survive being in Texas for even just 4 hours, then I can survive anything. I mean it, anything. To give you a point of reference, Chuck Norris was Walker, TEXAS Ranger. If Texas birthed a modern-day titan like Mr. Chuck Norris, then I don't want to mess with it, as the saying goes.

Patriot. Defined.

I packed the very same shirt for my trip! I also had hair plugs put in to simulate his majestic chest of masculine dominance. It's worth it. Europe will know that I mean business when I walk around with that chest glistening under that shirt. They'll say, "Blah, blah, foreign accent, blah, American, yada, yada, business." Then they'll cower. They always cower.

So, I'm going to keep this one short, for once. I'm exhausted and I have a lot of sleeping on planes to do tomorrow, so I'll need my rest for that endeavor. Don't you worry, though! I have a list of probable passengers that I will have to deal with during this adventure:

• A 46-year-old man in a striped polo with a mickey mouse logo and khaki way-too-shorts, that insists we become best friends
• A 32-year-old woman that decides it's time to conquer her fear of flying with a 20+ hour flight. She fails within 30 minutes.
• Two children, 11 and 9, filled with pre-adolescent animosity, who break a record for the longest fight about which Jonas Brother is cutest. Previous record? 13 hours, held by Tera and Cassidy Wilkers of Lake Byron, Minnesota
• A 58-year old man who holds himself to be an expert on traveling as an American in Europe. He has google'd and wiki'd and this is his first trip
• A 92-year-old dude that decides a trans-Atlantic flight, next to the future Tony Little, is an ideal way to kick the bucket

Crazy. Defined.

• Or, Tony Little, himself...smelling like ground beef and wet wipes

I will do my best to keep everyone updated. It will primarily be via Facebook and Twitter(AlphaChomega). Don't worry, I'll be safe, smart, and still have a fun, wonderful adventure! I'll miss you, I mean it.

Good bye, au revoir, adios, auf wiedersehen, arrivederci, zbogom, servus,

Dave

Next post...well, we'll just have to see

Big Dave, Little Plane, Oh, The Chomanity!

Entering final preparations.

That's what she said!

I swear, does my humor know no bounds? Don't answer that! For serious, there isn't much time left before I go, and almost everything that needs done is about done. Here's the most up-to-date, state-of-the-art, works-well-with-children, user-friendly, contents-may-vary-from-picture, life-as-it-should-be, coronary-inducing, technology-fearing, should-be-taken-with-a-meal, and mind-warping list of to-do's turned to-done's with action-kung-fu-grip:

• Received my amazing backpack/sack-o-life for 22 days from www.ebags.com
• It's a Transformer!!! Big and little, more than meets the eye!
• Printed pretty much every possible bit of information I could, including itineraries, maps, directions, cheat sheets for phrases, reservations, recipes, yoga poses, schematics, city guides, lists of top 25 things to do in Hong Kong, the lost scripts for Lost, Final Fantasy XVI cheat codes, and paper airplane guides
• Made a list, checked it twice, of necessary toiletries, etc and will be picking those up tomorrow
• Attempted to drink a full gallon of milk in one sitting
• Discovered I was lactose intolerant
• Paid the hospital bill for a stomach pump
• Purchased a snazzy neck wallet, plug adapter, and luggage locks
• Took pictures of all of the puppies that live outside my apartment complex, saw the ghostly image of David Hasselhoff, and proceeded to burn my camera, reciting the necessary exorcism incantations
• Borrowed Rick's camera, ignoring the request for permission part
• Set up my change of service to an international phone – phone number will be the same, no worries, fellas – just text me if you want my BlackBerry PIN so we can message each other and massage each other messagistically
• Drew stick figures in crazy-cool matrix poses and put the crayons away this time so the mangy cats that also live outside my apartment complex don't eat them and poop crayola for three weeks straight
• Realized I wouldn't be around for three weeks and that Chris would have to clean it up by himself, and put the crayons in open tuna cans

So, quite a bit of it all is knocked out of the way. It's incredible! I seriously thought I would have to make up stuff in order to fill up the pages of my blog, but it's all for true. True, for true. It seems Europe is more demanding than a starving man named Eddy I keep locked up and malnourished in my closet. I get it already, ooh, sooo hungwy. Wahh! Boohoo. Why are you doing this to me, blah, blah? I was just bringing you a pizza, blahbiddy blah! Wah-wah, I get it, Eddy! But, it was either trust you to not be a robot sent from the future to destroy me so that I wouldn't live to stop the robot insurrection or play it safe and expect just that. I don't like taking chances. Not when robots are involved.

Robot Children? This is my nightmare!

And, speaking of things to take, like chances, I am doing everything I can to wrap my brain around what I can and cannot take on this trip. Working the whole bare minimum angle isn't my strong suit. I once took four bags for a three-day-trip. All of it was necessary. Especially the life jacket. In Nevada. I learned by example, though, so it isn't all my fault. Mom used to pack six to eight bags for a week-long vacation. We're talking luggage that most little people would call two-bedroom condos with ample room to run around and do little people things, like save Middle Earth. And make delicious cookies. And solidify plans to go as the seven dwarfs for Halloween, for the twelfth year in a row. I get to be Snow White, sometimes.

Anyway, this will be a remarkably difficult process for me, I'm sure, but it will be done. It must be done. Here's a list of other remarkably difficult things for me:

• Dancing while sober
• Dancing while intoxicated
• Seeing the point in shows like the Bachelor, Jersey Shore, and Rock of Love 78: More Than A Feeling
• Watching anything involving Jimmy Fallon
• Being told not to watch anything involving Ryan Reynolds
• Winning an “Under Six Feet Tall” Competition
• Arm-wrestling Goro from Mortal Combat
• I want a hug!
• Understanding free-form interpretive clogging
• Winning a “Doesn't Look Like Superman” Competition
• Being told not to make any more lists
• Fighting a bear and a lion simultaneously – if it's mano a bearo or mano a liono, it's cool, but together, they are fierce
• Surviving an encounter with a Spetznaz
• Surviving an encounter with Chuck Norris
• Surviving an encounter with Barbara Walters She's in attack mode!
• Making this blog interesting and fun to read

We'll just have to see if I make it out of packing for Europe alive and without too many scars. I expect tears though, lots of them. I haven't quite settled on what I will bring as my photo companion. What is a photo companion? I'm not glad that you asked, but I'll still tell you. It's an item that I will take along with me and I will display in photos at each of the major tourist attractions. It's kind of like that gnome for travelocity, but with much less exploitation of gnomes. Poor little useless gnomes. So, in essence, I would stand in front of, say, the Eiffel Tower, with a strange object, like a typewriter. My picture would be taken. My camera would be stolen. And I would have a memory that would keep me laughing well into...a month later. Here is a list of possible ideas:

• A toaster
• An action figure that bears my resemblance
• 
• A hanger
• Four rolls of duct tape
• A checkerboard
• A baseball signed by “The Macho Man” Randy Savage
• A tube of Fixodent
• A bar of soap with an obvious bite in it
• A half-eaten Snickers bar
• A pack of Mentos
• A lightsaber
• An inflatable guitar
• A box of Honey Nut Cheerios

Oddly enough, this is also an exact replica of Macgyver's weekly grocery list. All of these things can be combined to make a bomb, defuse a bomb, incapacitate an evil henchman, change the climate, make an all-weather parka, plug the ozone, stop Britney Spears from having a nervous breakdown, resurrect the dead, harpoon a whale, harpoon Michael Moore, go back in time, and rescue orphans from a teetering school bus driven by a nun. Macgyver likes to stock up, in case all of those very things need doing. Smart man. Also, smart = crazy! Look into those beautiful brown eyes, the eyes of a man that can kill you with no more than a twisty straw and a Burger King crown

I'll get to packing, you get to...whatever it is you do. Badminton, maybe? Lame

Next post: The Daveparted, Starring Chomanardo DaveCaprio