Going Chomerica All Over Everybody's A$$es

Why, hello. So nice to see you again.

To be honest, I wasn't sure if we would spend any more time together after our last encounter. I'm...sorry about that, by the way. It was awkward. I certainly wish things would have gone much differently. I know it would have saved us both a lot of trouble and a lot of clean-up. Hell, I'm sure it would have meant the difference in whether or not that monkey would have lived to see another day. Goddamn that monkey! Its Herculean strength, its TV's Jillian Michaels-like features, its porcupine smile! Why, monkey?

Why?

Anyway, reasons to clear one's throat aside, I expect you're here to check up on me. I'm doing good. $600 good. Why $600 good, do you ask? I'll tell you, but you'll have to earn it.

And, the only way to earn anything today is by failing miserably at something through lack of foresight and abundance of pride, and then having somebody else take care of it for you. I learned that from the news. I wonder what the children are learning, too. So, get failing, and it'll get you earning!

Speaking of failing, I'll give you a list of things I'm failing at doing:

• Failing

That's right, ignoring the obvious arguments of whether or not a single item can constitute a list, I'm getting a great deal of things accomplished for my imminent trip overseas. At the risk of establishing a common theme, here's a list:

• Received My EuroRail Pass from Rail Europe
• 
  
• Arranged for Appropriate Credit Card and Check Card Usage
• Researched Various Back Packs and Will Be Purchasing by This Weekend
• Purchased an iPod Touch for WiFi Use and Abuse During the Trip, and After, At Work, Naturally
• Trimmed the Fat by Knocking Athens, Greece, Out of the Itinerary – No, I'm Not Claiming Greeks are Fat, I'm Merely Using a Phrase Made Popular by Food Network's Guy Fieri, A Known Anti-Greecian Robot, Blame Him
• Oh, and Booked All of the Hostels and Hotels I Will Be Sleeping/Being Robbed In

Here's the best news: My total cost for all of the hostels and hotels will be under $600 USD! At 22 days, that's less than $28 a night! At that price, I can nearly afford two European Vacations. As in, two copies of the DVD. One for before, and one for after, when everything is stolen in the hostel. So, how did I do it? Here's the step by step.

1. I acquired a friend, named Rick, who has a very successful job as a CPA
2. Rick traveled a butt load during his first year at his firm and earned hotel points
3. Rick told me he would like to join me on my trip
4. Wearing a Buzz Lightyear costume, I put Rick into a sleeper hold, stole his hotel information, and locked him in a cage in a storage facility located 20 miles west of Pleasant Mount, Georgia
5. I used his information to book 5 nights' worth of free/inexpensive hotel stays
6. I set up my travels so that I could have 4 nights of overnight train trips, offering sleeping ability
7. I researched locations and booked the rest of the necessary nights with various hostels on www.hostelworld.com
8. I went back to the storage facility, forgetting the access code and really needing to find a bathroom to pee, and left Rick for another night
9. After he had lived, for three days, without food or water in a cage during a record-setting heat wave in Georgia, I rescued Rick, claiming I had received an anonymous tip, and had killed Mr. Lightyear
10. Rick cried, like a baby, on my shoulder for several hours
11. After I had Rick buy me a new shirt at the Gap, I told him he owed me one, and demanded he give me $390
12. With money in hand, I bought 390 different instant lotto tickets, I won $20 back
13. I framed that $20 bill as a lesson in friendship and presented it to Rick, who still looked ugly from all of the crying
14. I then invited him along for the trip and watched as a smile cracked his red, tear-and-sweat-moistened face
15. I threw up

So, that's how you do it. Follow all 15 of these steps, and you, too, can be traveling on the cheap in Europe.

A note about Athens, by the way. It was always a dream of mine to go to Athens because I wanted to go to the birthplace of Western Philosophy, where thought was transformed into a way of living. It is also the land where beauty and the endless quest for perfection were forever preserved in art that still stands today, chiseled from ancient rock, inspiring modern man to always seek to be better. To be more. To be more like gods. It holds sand, aged with the blood of warriors, whose mythic abilities and fighting spirits bore the epics and lessons in living each day with passion and fighting for that which we love that we still teach our children today. And, it has a hillside, near a mountain, where games were played that are still played today, as a testament to humanity's effort, its need, to be connected with one another, to be active and compete and share in life's triumphs and tragedies. Unfortunately, logistically, and economically, it could not be included anymore. Total cost of the plane tickets would be over $400 back and forth. The length of time that a comparatively inexpensive boat ride would cost is nearly a day, a precious thing with a trip this big.

Plus, I realized that my Spartan physique would only inspire a nationwide frenzy as the second coming of Leonidas, and I would have all of these parades and galas with punch and pie in my honor. This would embarrass a modest guy, like me, incredibly.

<--Uncanny!

So, I'll save Greece for my second trip to Europe, titled Once in a Lifetime Trip, Part Deux, The Return.

Don't worry, I'm not sad. This will still be an amazing adventure. Perhaps, even an excellent adventure! Too bad the stars are Rick and Dave and not Bill and Ted. Wait, officially I am changing Rick's name to Bill. And Ted. As in, Bill N. Ted. That way I can title the trip, Bill N. Ted and Dave's Excellent Adventure. Admit it, it has a ring to it!

Well, minimizing the risk of not having enough lists, I'll leave you with a list of other working titles for the current trip:

• Chomerica, The Beautiful; Europe, The Defeated
• Ernest Goes to Europe (Note: I will legally change Rick's name to Ernest, as well)
• David and Rick Go To a White Castle In London
• 22 Days Later
• M. Night Chomayamalyananaman's The Europe
• I Love You, Spain
• Chomglish
• Conquering Europe for Dummies
• Hostel 3: We're Out of Fresh Linens
• Davatar: The 3D Experience
• Europe, as Seen Through Beautiful Blue Eyes
• Daves on a Plane - Quote: "I'm sick of all these mutha%#@!ing Daves on this mutha%#@!ing plane!"
• Learn to Speak English, Already: A Traveler's Tale
• Miles Away: Dave Learns the Metric System
• Dave's List is Way Better than Schindler's List

Until next time, take care!

Next post? Big Dave, Little Plane, Oh, The Chomanity